Blog Share: Pride, Pain, and the Price of Gas



 

Click on image to visit Air1 Online



 

Sometimes, no matter how strongly you feel something, you just cannot get the words right, but someone else can...

 

This is one of those times, and as I was struggling to find the words to share, I was checking out Air1's website, and found this superb blog by Brant Hansen one of my favorite DJ's for the station.

 

If you have ever listened to Brant on Air1, you KNOW how real he is.  Sometimes, he makes me laugh out loud.  Other times, he says something I swear would get him fired for its in-your-face honesty, but one thing is certain--- the man speaks and shares what he thinks He wants Brant to share.

 

He has many really thought-provoking posts that have read since starting to listen to Air1, but this one was a new one to me, and really hit me where it hurts.  Fact of the matter is I cannot undo the damage I have done, I cannot fix myself, and I cannot expect others to either.

 

Please click the link: Pride, Pain, and the Price of Gas by Brant Hansen.  

 

God bless!

Wonder Boy Turns Nine

Yesterday, the most amazing, walking example of God's love for me turned nine years old.  I am not sure where the time is going.  Every year, he seems to be growing faster.   His knowledge, gained from experience, observation, and books, just grows and grows.  His outlook on life, despite his gaining knowledge, remains exuberant, bright, and hopeful.   I look at this child and I see hope.  I see DH and I- only much better versions of ourselves.  (Except in the area of stubbornness- Kiddo is one hundred times more stubborn than either of us...  sigh)

In an effort to celebrate the wonder of our Kiddo, despite the craziness that is our life right now, we were still able to have a small party for him.

Lemon-flavored, Minecraft-inspired cake by Simply Scrumptious Cakery.  It was perfect, though much bigger than I expected it to be.  hehe

Kiddo got to spend some time the past couple of days with his "brother-from-another-mother"--- The two really could pass for brothers, and I know they will both miss each other a great deal.  I sure hope we can keep these two in contact despite the distance.  :)

Kiddo got some new (used) PS3 games from DH and I, as well as a Texas travel mug with all the things he loves most about Texas on it (to include the Alamo, and the Texas Seal.)   He also got some really thoughtful gifts from family and friends.

 

This birthday was nowhere near as planned out or extravagant as many of his previous birthdays.  However, the only thing he said he really wanted for his birthday was the opportunity to visit his favorite places around San Angelo before we move.  We intend to spend our last few days, even as we finish packing up and organizing the camper and settling details with our realtor, visiting those places.  San Angelo has really captured our Kiddo's heart- and I know because of that, San Angelo will always be a place he can call "home."

Tit-for-Tat: Game Over

Egocentricism is nothing new.  Part of human development, the most disturbing thing about egocentricism is the shift of each generation closer to the mentality of "me first" and further away from "me last."

Sure, a good self-esteem is crucial to successful relationships at home and at work.  However, a good self-esteem, from a Christian perspective, has nothing to do with self, and everything to do with selflessness.

Yet, more and more apparent in our circles of friends, among family members, in church groups, and in philanthropic groups is this idea that nothing can be given unless something can be gained.  We see it in business, and we see how successful smart business management incorporates that concept, and before we know it, we have moved that mentality into our lives.

Does anyone do anything anymore just for the sake of being nice, or helping someone out, or because it is simply the right thing to do? 

Even in my own life, I am not sure I can answer that question honestly to the affirmative.   Even in my own life, where I struggle with relationships anyway, I find myself giving and giving and giving (maybe not what the person was hoping for or expecting), and then I have my expectations dashed to bits as none that I had given is or was reciprocated.

Do you find yourself in similiar situations?  Do you ever feel like you have given and given and given just to be taken advantage of or written off when you could give no more?

I am very frustrated by the tit-for-tat mentality I see all around me- that I often see in myself.  To be honest, I am most hurt when I am the victim of tit-for-tat rationale than I am when someone lashes out at me in anger.  I try very hard to give selflessly.  I also try very hard to make sure what I do give is not second-rate.  I try even harder to give with no expectations.

However, I have also learned that to be given anything these days all too often comes with a series of strings attached.  So I have learned not to ask for help, not even from friends.  I cannot commit to invisible strings, the hidden hand, that gets pulled tight and snaps when I am unable or, sometimes unwilling, to return the gesture.  I cannot tolerate helping someone out and getting the impression from them that they feel they "owe" me something in return.  When I am the one getting help, when I get that impression, I want so badly to turn away the "help."  I do not need the kind of help that reserves the right to call in favors when it suits that person. 

Because, you see, the whole tit-for-tat game is centered on the egocentric.  You know the person.  The one who only ever talks about themselves.  They offer you a measely two or three minutes to talk, then get "distracted," change the subject, and spend the next thirty or forty minutes going on and on about themselves.   The one that jumps at the chance to "help," but only if it can benefit themselves or can make them look good somehow.  The one that consistently uses up one friendship and moves to another under the guise of "networking," but has really just tapped a particular relationship of all it could give so it carries no worth to them anymore.

So, for me, I am cutting out the tit-for-tat game.  If I was not able to give enough for someone or to someone, and yet it was all I could give, then I will have to make peace with that.  However, I pity the people who only develop relationships that they think can be used to benefit them in some way.  There is so much more to an honest friendship than what someone might be able to bring to the table. 

So how do you value your relationships? 

When you give, do you give out of a desire to please, out of a desire to gain something, or out of a desire to build up? 

Do you find yourself hanging on to expectations when you give something to someone or when you offer your hand in help?  

Do you keep a mental log at the back of your mind of all you might have given or done for someone, and then get hurt when the tally sheet does not add up? 

Do you keep a tally sheet at all?

In this year that I am struggling to make so many changes, will you join me in dsicarding that tally sheet?  Join me as I throw away the tit-for-tat game and as I cut those invisible strings so we can give, and help, and build relationships with no strings attached and less expectations in return.

God bless!

52 Weeks of Blogging With A Purpose: Who I Am

I discovered this inspiration from one of my followers (Janelle at Wild Blue Yonder).  I have plenty of my own stuff to share, but I fear all those things I wish to share is not necessarily what everyone wants to read.  So...  I thought I would join Janelle in participating in this blog event (inspired by Becky at From Mrs. to Mama).

Week One: Who I Am

Christian

First and foremost, I am a Christian.  I know that might sound cliche to many of you.  However, this is fact.  I feel love from my God and for my God as tangible as the love I feel for my DH and as intense and heart-consuming as the love I feel for my son.  I was raised in a Christian environment, but learned early on that just because someone says they are a Christian does not mean that is so.  I have spent much of my Christian life (I was saved in the 3rd grade) doing my best to live in His Will, to never stop communicating with Him, and to become less hesitant to share those incredible things He has done in my life.   I hope to reflect Him more in my words and my actions, to include the things I post on my blog.   One thing I hope I can make clear is that being a Christian does not mean I am better than anyone else.  What it means is that I realize I am NOT better, but that I am just as flawed and broken.  I have the same fears, doubts, and struggles as anyone else.  However, I also have joy, faith, hope, and salvation.  All the best things about me are due to my Faith.

MilSpouse

While I am proud of my experience in the Air Force and Air Force Reserves, the hardest military job I have held is that of a MilSpouse.  I love my DH.  He has so many incredible qualities that drew me to him in the first place.  I had this incredible (most of my friends said "impossible") list of qualities I wanted in my husband.  Up till I met DH, the guys I dated barely met a handful of those qualities.  It was a list of 44 criteria, and I was perfectly willing to remain single until I found the one who fit them all, even if that meant I would never marry.  As we dated, and I realized he fit more and more of them, I also found myself falling in love with him.  At some point in our early relationship, I forgot about the list.  It was not till we had been married for several years that I rediscovered the list, and going over it, found he fits ALL 44 criteria plus several more that I did not list.  Now, because he is in the Military, I find myself often without my soul mate and best friend.  That is the hardest part.  I respect him for his sacrifice.  I trust him with my heart.  I honor him as he fulfills his duty to his country.  Yet, I also find myself jealous of the time he spends away.  I sometimes find myself bitter at having to play the roles of both Mom and Dad.  Filling the role of MilSpouse has its own unique set of challenges, and its own set of unique rewards.  Above all, I am just so proud to stand next to DH as he stands up for our Country and the values she still holds dear.

Mom

Nine years ago, my life changed in ways no one could have ever accurately define or describe.  Frankly, I never wanted to have children.  I wanted to go and see and do and be on the move.  Having children often hinders that kind of life.  Plus, I long ago lost faith in the world as a place in which to bring a child up.  Yet, DH and I were surprised to discover I was pregnant (Kiddo was not planned for... LOL).  Funny thing is, while I was (don't judge me too harshly) horrified at the prospect of being a Mom, DH was thrilled to become a Dad.  I carried my fears and doubts all through my pregnancy.  I worried so much that I would be a poor Mom, that I would damage our child, that I would hold him back, that I would not allow him to soar- all fears that I still live with on a day-to-day basis, but fears that I have learned to keep in check.  I was terrified even through the labor pains... Right up until he was born and I got to hold him, all I knew of being a Mom scared the crap out of me.  But holding him in my arms for the first time, and holding his perfect little hand, seeing his perfect little face, all those fears mingled with a love that no one but another Mom can understand.  Suddenly, those fears were not crippling.  Suddenly, those doubts were not all-consuming.  No, they did not go away.  They simply did not matter as much as the huge swelling in my heart- till I felt like it would burst from being so full.  Now, at nine years, I look back and realize, I may not be a perfect Mom, but with every hug, kiss, cuddle, and prayer, I am the best Mom I can be for him.  Now I look back and laugh at the fears and doubts that riddled my pregnancy.

Sister

I grew up a child of a split home.  No- My Dad and Mom were both present throughout my entire childhood, and they are still together today.  What I mean is, I grew up knowing I had three sisters, but because two of them were from a previous marriage, I only knew my biological sister.  I have a very special relationship with my baby sister.  She is my best friend.  She is the one I go to when I need the God-honest truth.  When I need a dose of reality, a kick in the butt, a listening ear, a soothing reminder of God's grace, I call my sister.  She and I may not always see eye-to-eye, but we need each other like grass needs rain, so we keep our differences out in the open, but never in each other's face.  I treasure my relationship with my sister like no other relationship I have ever had with anyone besides my Hubby and my son.  However, I also have two half-sisters.  I knew one of them better than the other, but both were always so far away.  Its only been in the last few years that I have been able to re-establish contact with both of them, and we are slowly building the framework of strong relationships.  I find it so amazing and beautiful that my three sisters are so alike and so different in so many ways, and in comparing those two to my sister and myself, I have found that we resemble each other much more than seems possible!  It is my sincere hope and desire to be able to have a "sister reunion" where we can spend some time face to face and really have a chance to get to know each other. 

The rest of the things that make me who I am are merely definers...  All the following things help define who I am, but I am not bound to any of them.  Some have been part of me since I was little, others I have grown into.

Veteran
I served in the US Air Force for several years.  I started training to be a Linguist, but ended up becoming a Medical Technician.  I served the bulk of my career in San Antonio where I had the pleasure to work with cancer patients and then in a family practice setting.  I also served in the AF Reserves for a few years where I had the opportunity to actually travel quite a bit more than while I was Active Duty.  (Figures, LOL)  Both experiences changed my life, many of my views, and my outlook on the sacrifices our Military Members make every day for a Country that is sometimes very ungrateful.

Bookworm
I have had my nose in a book since I learned how to read.  I read everything except non-fiction (manual type).  While I enjoy all genre's, my favorites lean toward fantasy and science fiction with a select bit of historical fiction.  I abhor romance novels- well, ANY book that romanticizes promiscuity and sex outside of marriage.  I enjoy a good biography or autobiography, and have always had a special fascination with any survivor stories from WWI or WWII or the Holocaust.  My favorite authors include Terry Brooks, Frank Herbert, Pat Frank, Victoria Holt, Tolstoy, H.G. Wells, Tolkein, and so many more...

Author
I have dreamt of writing my own books since I was a girl.  I recently found story ideas that I had jotted down over the years that span all the way back to high school.  Some of the stories were inspired by books that changed my way of thinking, or books that challenged me to think outside the box, and others that just caused me to really stop and think about something I had never considered before.  Currently, I am co-writing a fiction book.  On top of that I am working on two different Bible Studies intended for women associated with the Military.  Then I have two of my own novels that I am working on when I have time.  Someday, I hope to see my work in print (or ebook).  I think I have talent and imagination when it comes to telling a story, but time will tell.  If nothing else, the formation of the characters and the plot is something I really enjoy bringing all together- bringing the story to life.

Photographer
I am rarely without my camera.  It is nothing fancy, and I have had absolutely zero training or education when it comes to photography.  However, I love snapping pictures of my favorite people and of God's creation.  I look at nature as proof of His love and devotion.  If He took such great pains to create such perfectly balanced, perfectly designed systems like we see in the human body, the life cycle of a plant, and the cycles of nature, how much more does He do for us without us ever realizing it?  Capturing creation on film reminds me everyday of the wonder and majesty of this world around us, as flawed as it has become under our care.  For samples of my photography please click on the tab above: Where We Live.

Nature Lover

Not to be confused with a tree-hugger, or a hippie, because I am neither.  I simply adore the world our God has created for us.  I may not like the damage humanity has wreaked on our planet.  I may not understand much of the logic that has driven men to take and take and take with no thoughts to our future generations, because Biblically, we are stewards of this planet, not takers.  I can not look at nature and not see God's hand in the details.  The immense amount of detail to make it all work did NOT just happen by accident.  My love of nature is, I hope, reflected in my amateur photography.  My little strides in conservation, using less to allow more for future generations, may not seem like a lot to environmentalists, but they are what they are.  I have plans to take bigger strides in the name of conservation, but each transition takes time and adjustment.   

Hermit

I am a multi-faceted person...  There is so much more to me than many people see because another huge characteristic that makes me who I am is that I am a hermit.  I shy away from most people, even those I care for deeply.  I do not like to be seen when I am pain, when I am struggling, and when I feel weak.  On the flip side, I also just enjoy most the company of my loved ones in the surroundings in which I am most comfortable- my home.  There are very few other places where I can sincerely feel like I can be myself, where I am comfortable sitting, relaxing, and sharing.  This tendency has cost me dearly many incredible friendships, for which I am sad, but on the flip side, so many other friendships have met me where I am and have truly stepped in to fill the sometimes huge gaps that I create.  (Its my hermit tendencies that keep me from making "Friend" one of the words that describe me, because in my own estimation of myself, I consider myself hard to be friends with.)

Again, there is so much more to me than can be shared in one single blog post.  But thank you for coming and reading and learning a little about me.  I have enjoyed sharing about myself.  Please be sure to check out the two delightful blogs I mentioned up near the top.  I am sure you will enjoy them as much as I have. 

Money Saving Monday: Homemade Laundry Detergent

 

In working to save the family money, and in an effort to cut down the use of unhealthy chemicals in our cleaning supplies, I bought some homemade laundry detergent from another MilSpouse.   She has since moved away, but she gave me the recipe to make my own.

 

I have used up all of hers, and have been using my own for little over a month now.  This detergent works just as well as any store bought.  Clothes come out clean and smell fantastic.  I have not had to deal with any stains, so I am not sure how this detergent works on hard to remove stains, so...  I will have to keep y'all posted on that side of things.

 

Below is the recipe:

1 bar of soap (I used DIAL Spring Water)

1 C Borax

1 C Arm and Hammer Washing Soda. 

 

In extra large pot, grate bar of soap. Mix in one gallon of water. Heat until soap is dissolved. 

Mix in dry powders. Bring to boil (will coagulate.) Turn off heat. Mix in one gallon cold water. Mix well. 

Pour into gallon jugs. Let sit for 48 hours. Shake before using as it will settle a little.    

 

I made two batches and poured both into a five gallon bucket.  Once it sat for 48 hours, I stirred the detergent well and poured some into a couple gallon jugs for easier handling.  There was enough from two batches to fill four gallon jugs, with a couple cups left in the bucket.  

 

***After a month of use, I have used one gallon of detergent.  I use one half cap (saved from the store bought detergent) per large load of laundry.  Absolutely love the stuff!!!***

 

Happy Father's Day

Growing up, I always hoped I would marry a man like my Father.

When I met my Hubby, I honestly hoped he would be similar to his Father.

Today, I can happily say that my Hubby has the best of both of our Fathers. 

Plus, he is a man of God, striving to be a better example for our son, so our son can be a better father to his own kids some day.

I am so honored to stand next to this man who is my husband and the father of my child.  I am so proud of him as he strives to be the very best Daddy he can be.

To all the Daddy's out there- God bless you!

Random- Facebook Withdrawal

In lieu of the myriad of Facebook status' I am used to posting throughout the day:

~Freebirds is the most awesome burrito place.  Ever.  I had a Chicken Burrito Bowl, DH had a Monster, and the Kiddo opted for a loaded quesadilla.  Soooo YUMMY!   We will miss Freebirds.

~Was not sure I was going to buy into the hype of these little musical speakers that you can plug your iPod, laptop, or MP3 players into.   However, we broke down and bought one.  Great, clear sound!  Completely worth it!

~Was listening to my "Favorite Country" playlist, which includes (just to name a few): Hunter Hayes, Carrie Underwood, Cash, Josh Turner, Garth Brooks, Strait, Eric Church, Martina McBride, Reba, Jason Aldean, Blackhawk, Rodney Adkins, Thompson Square, Charlie Daniels, Trace Adkins, Steve Earl, Pistol Annies, Chris Cagle, Pat Green, Big & Rich.... and soooo many more.

~Jamming out to country while working on an editing project is very distracting.  hahahaha

~Changed playlist to my "Soundtrack" playlist.  Currently listening to: "Now We Are Free" from Gladiator....   MUCH more conducive to getting some work done.

~Have NO idea what is going on via Facebook.  No political debate or banter.  No drama that I have no business knowing about or getting involved in.  No misinterpreted comments.  Kinda loving this...

God bless!

A Day In the Life...

Juggling the various hats I wear, in the middle of a very stressful and painful PCS, has become so much more of a challenge the past few months.

I know you have all seen those little pictures on Facebook that show the various different impressions of what someone does versus what they actually do.  I find those pictures hilarious.  I have seen a couple for impressions of the Stay-At-Home Mom, the Writer, the Editor, the Online Student, and the Blogger- all hats that I wear.  While they are all funny, and they all hit on a fragment of truth and irony, they still do not really convey how hard it is to be all things for everyone. 

I know many Moms, whether you work from home or you work outside the home, can relate.  I know many Stay-at-Home Moms who do not work (money making work, that is) who can relate.   I know we all have periods of our lives where we drop one of our hats.  It flies off in the chaos of facing challenges while wearing some of the others.   We leave it lying on the floor for a short time and then it gets momentarily forgotten.  Then when we realize that hat has been neglected, sometimes we panic and over-compensate trying to catch up for the time lost.

I know we have periods where the juggling of the hats becomes more of a balancing act, and for periods the chaos disappears and we find ourselves able to find perfect unity between those different roles.  Short as those periods may be, we are reminded that we are never given more than we can carry, and those roles enhance our lives, are productive for our family, and benefit us as we move forward.

One danger I have found is how I compare my hat juggling to my peers.  This is dangerous.  Never compare your hats and how you juggle them with how well or how poorly you think your neighbor juggles theirs.  I have seen comments, shoot I have posted some, where we brag about all we have accomplished in a period of time.  Or maybe we lament all that we failed to do in a period of time.  Pretty soon after that initial comment, others soon post their own time management success and failure.  I do not know about you all, but for me, I see it as a competition.

Why would I do that to myself?  What does it matter how Joe Schmo handles his time?  How does his hat juggling affect MY hat juggling.  I do not share an office with him.  Shoot, I do not even share the same career choice as him, beyond the fact that we both work from home.  Yet, I do.  I find myself comparing my crazy-busy-for-me schedule to their publicized schedule and feel like I have fallen short somehow.

Thing is I cannot do all the things others can do, just as they cannot do all the things I do.  I have a different set of expectations concerning the way I parent, the way I keep my home, the way I conduct business, and the way I perform my job.  For all my own expectations, others have their own about what they do.  There is absolutely NO comparing our daily lives and the challenges we face as we walk through them.

So... for a glimpse into my daily life, let me say this- it is uniquely mine.  Yours is uniquely yours.

Do not fret when you find your hats are not as balanced as you would like them to be.  Do not compare your hats to the ones your neighbor wears.  They might appear to have it all perfectly in sync at the moment, but you do not see all that is involved, just as they do not see all that is involved when yours start to fall off.   And do not forget- some hats are only meant to be worn for a time.  Do not be afraid to shuck a hat for a time.  Just as well, do not be afraid to take up a new hat.   So long as you have set your priorities and keep them in line with His Will for your life, none of those hats will become too much.

God bless!

Personal Challenge: Facebook Diet

 

DH has been telling me for ages that Facebook is of the devil.  I have laughed him off, I have raised my eyebrows at him, and otherwise have simply ignored his sentiment.

However, in light of recent events, where I am on the verge of walking away from relationships because of their candor on Facebook that they are unwilling to have with me in person, over the phone, or even in text, I find myself questioning the validity of DH's statement.

Granted, on one side, I would be living in happy, if not ignorant, bliss never knowing that people I care about do not reciprocate.  I never would have caught "friends" in a lie were it not for Facebook. 

On the other side, I HAVE caught "friends" in lies- blatant, black and white, no denying them- and then suffered the pain from their obvious lack of concern over those lies, and I am simply tired of the drama.

Facebook has been an incredible avenue for me to stay connected, especially now that I go to school online and work from home.  Facebook has allowed me to network my son's push to earn his own money.  Facebook has allowed me to share my thoughts and opinions with both like-minded and diverse-minded friends and acquaintances scattered to the four corners of the earth.

Yet, I simply find it more annoying and more stressful than uplifting and enlightening.

So, my challenge to myself is to cut way back on Facebook.  During the next three months, as we transition from one home to another, I have the perfect opportunity to walk away from it. 

Let it sit.  Let it change from a lifeline as I have found it to be, to a mere avenue of contact.  

I am not going to delete my account- I have too many valuable relationships connected to the account.   I am going to delete a lot of information on the account.  I am going to take down the majority of pictures.   I am going to "clean it up" as much as I can.  I am deleting the FB app from my phone.  Finally, I am only going to allow myself to check my account for messages and comments once a week. 

Once we are settled at our new home, maybe the Facebook Diet will be changed.  Maybe not.  We shall see.  :)

In the meantime, I hope to focus more on blogging- making this more of my avenue to share.  That will also challenge me to choose more carefully the words I type, the thoughts I intend to convey, and hopefully will be much more healthy for myself and anyone who reads this.

As always, your prayers are appreciated.  Leaving a social media website that has been addicting for so many years is as hard as stopping biting nails (in my case)...  I will need the prayer support for sure! 

God bless!

Reality of Friendship

Have you ever wondered who would show up to your funeral?
Hold a going away party.  There you will discover who values you and why they value you.  Those who show up, and those who remain absent will tell you more about yourself, your relationships, and how you are perceived than any conversation ever will.

I have debated whether or not to share this because it opens myself up again to being misread and misunderstood, and heaven forbid if I sound like I am whining.  However, I know I am not the only one who goes through this with every PCS/move transition. 

This last weekend, DH and I had our going away party- a simple all-day, come-as-you-are, come-and go-as-you-please cook-out in hopes we could see all our friends (who all have very busy lives) before we leave the area.  Granted, we have a couple more weeks.  However, with the pack-up and pack-out still in the works, a house that is still on the market, jobs for us both to still put in time with, a kiddo to keep entertained during summer vacation, and a million other small errands and chores, we are just not certain that we will be able to visit everyone we would like to.

Now, here is my heartbreak.  Every single person I invited to come to the cookout is someone whom I care about for many different reasons.  Every single person I invited is someone I call friend, someone I have trusted, someone I have respected, someone who has impacted my life in a positive way since being part of this community.  Yet, from my invite list, only a few of my friends showed up. 

Please don't get me wrong.  I had so much fun seeing those friends and their families.  As I said, each of my friends is so uniquely special to me.  I enjoyed catching up.  I enjoyed laughing and reminiscing over the past four and half years.  I enjoyed cuddling with kids whom I have come to love almost as my own.  I enjoyed hearing about the new things in my friends lives, and sharing the excitement of our move with them.

However, so very,very many were missing.  OBVIOUSLY missing.  Some were missing with no explanation~ no calls, no texts, no apologies, no excuses- nothing.   Worse, some flat out lied instead of just saying they did not want to or could not come.  And that, frankly, heartbreakingly, shatters my perceptions of all these other friendships. 

I apologize over and over because I know I am a hermit.  Yet, hermit or not, I bind myself to people.  This weekend, I realized that my perceptions once again are not reflective of reality.   Just because I consider someone to be a friend does not necessarily mean they share that feeling regarding me.   I realized that my values that define friendship do not involve what someone can do for me, though I am told most friendships do value what you can do for someone.  Simply put, I consider you a friend if I find that I can trust you, respect you, learn from you, laugh with you, and be honest with you.   I consider you a friend if I feel I can trust my kid with you, if I can confide in you, if I can share my faith/politics with you even knowing we disagree on those issues.  So, yeah, I considered many people to be friends, when in reality, I am seeing, most of them were not "friends" so much as "acquaintances" with whom I shared a good experience. 

Since Saturday evening, as I was contemplating the glaring absence of so many of my favorite people, I came to realize my error.  It does not matter that I love those people.  It does not matter that I have given everything I am able to those relationships.  What does matter is THEIR perception.  If I have ever slighted them (without meaning to, I can assure you), then they have better friends to move on to.  If I have ever missed an event, then "tit-for-tat" comes into play.  Why would they come out to say goodbye, when I have missed any of their events?  Why would anyone consider me a friend, when I am such a publicly (ironic isn't it) proclaimed hermit?

Yes, it is true.  I treasure solitude.  Not because I do not like people.  On the contrary.  I treasure solitude because I do not want to be a burden on anyone.  With all that goes on in my life because of health issues, I set myself apart because I do not want to be the one that is always complaining.  I do not want to be the one who always needs help.  I do not want to be the one who always has an issue.   And as much as I fought not to be those things, I have effectively cut myself off from the people I assumed understood.  I have worn on their patience.  I have taxed their understanding.  I have let them down too often without even realizing it.

Then again...  I am reminded, as I am with every PCS, that most relationships are only for a season.  Some relationships cannot handle limited communication.  Some relationships were only ever one-sided.  Some relationships were nothing more than a lesson learned.   And a very few relationships, like I share with some of those that did come out for the cook-out, truly do stand up to my hermit tendencies, forgive it, accept it, and will last despite my best (worst) efforts to kill them.   For those relationships, whether they be with people from here in San Angelo, or relationships from over the years, I am so deeply thankful, and I know, despite the pain,  I am truly blessed.

My biggest lesson here is to assume nothing.  I learned long ago not to expect from others what I expect from myself.  However, assuming people feel about me the same as I feel about them when they really do not is a very rough lesson to learn.